By Kendra Clarke
Who hasn’t experienced the aftermath of a break-up? It’s emotionally unsettling when someone we love chooses to disconnect from us and walk away without looking back. In the midst of our grief, we begin to feel betrayed, used, mislead and taken for granted. Questions, which have been formulating in our minds, we begin to realize, will likely go unanswered. We proceed to try to pick ourselves up and dust ourselves off to regain some semblance of our dignity, but those questions continue to loom. There is guilt and regret, which leads us to take one step forward only to take two steps back. However, we do not go through this alone. Psalm 34:18 tells us that, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”
Light at the End of the Tunnel
After some time has passed and our self-doubt begins to dissipate, we begin to see what appears to be a glimmer, a light at the end of the tunnel. We have heard countless times that, “time heals all wounds”, but we ask, “How much time”? As we continue to grow stronger and the heartbreak no longer stings as much, we hopefully move towards acceptance. If wise, we begin to reflect on ourselves, our own behavior, essentially self-reflection or soul-searching to find the answers that we seek. Through the process, “God remains our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble” (Psalm 46:1). “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up our wounds” (Psalm 147:3).
Two to Tango
I am one that believes it takes two to tango. I had a choice as we all do. I could have walked away when my needs were no longer being met. I could have cut my losses when I was being ignored, but I chose to remain loyal until he decided to walk away. I knew I deserved better than the treatment I received, which was probably the first sign that it wasn’t going to work, but I justified my decision to stay. I was made to feel as though the things I asked for (i.e. respect, common courtesy, consideration, love, etc.) were unreasonable when in fact I should not have had to ask for them in the first place. My time, energy and emotions were so tied-up in him and his emotional mess, that I neglected me in the process, feeling as though my needs weren’t as important. His needs and keeping him happy became my priority, which led me to elevate him above of my needs and perhaps God’s plan for my life. Looking back, I realize that if I had only invested that time into working on me, I would not have devoted valuable time being saddled with his emotional baggage.
Brokenness and Dysfunction
What experience has taught me is that two broken people can only breed brokenness and dysfunction. This is because either each person is looking to the other for healing or it is a one-sided relationship where one party feels as though they sacrifice and their partner rarely reciprocates. The more ill-treatment they receive the more resentment builds up, but they often hold it in and hold on for dear life hoping that change will soon come. Only, the changes that occur are more negative and destructive for them and their self-worth. It’s a never-ending cycle of ups and downs until someone decides to jump off the ride or simply get up the nerve to walk away. Why would anyone stay in this toxic environment you ask? Because they are seeking the approval of others which they falsely believe will validate their self-worth, when they should be looking from within and to the Creator for healing.
What Doesn’t Kill Us
Though difficult and emotionally draining at times, relationships even break-ups afford us opportunities to learn and to grow in the process. We have all heard the phrase “What doesn’t kill us, makes us stronger”. When we discover our true worth, we won’t allow anyone to devalue us or treat us like we are expendable. This is an important lesson that I have had to learn. Through the pain and heartache, I praise God daily for looking out for me and having my best interest at heart when I neglected myself. I thank God for intervening on my behalf and removing the wrong people out of my life to make room for the right ones.
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